As The Metrobus Turns - Classic Literature Edition

It's been a while, huh? Well the denizens of the St. John's Transit system have been surprisingly normal recently. Until today, that is. The following exchange occurred between 3 high school students just minutes ago:

Teen 1: "Chelsea asked me today if Anne Frank was still alive."
Teen 2: "She is, right? Wasn't she the only Jew to survive the Hologram?"
Teen 3: "It's holocaust you idiot! And yeah she did but that was 80 years ago, she's obv dead now!"
Teen 1: "Like are you even kidding me? They shot her!"
Teens 2+3: "WHAT? Why???"

At least one of them seems to have her head screwed on...

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As The Metrobus Turns, Creepy Old Man Edition

Ahhh Metrobus, how I missed thee whilst thou were on strike. It's been a while since I saw anything postworthy, but today just took the cake. Sitting at the Village Mall, waiting for the bus to leave. A few people get on, including a skinny girl who looked about 16, two Asian gentleman and an older guy in a fedora, khaki trenchcoat and track pants. Dude was also rocking a pornstache, but if you've seen me recently I can hardly comment on that. He went and sat on the back seat, and I thought nothing of it until the young girl got up, went to the back and sat virtually on his lap. He put an arm around her and I thought "OK, that's his daughter."

Suffice it to say that I'm now really hoping she is NOT his daughter. I know age is just a number, but so is 20. As in YEARS IN JAIL. Ugh. And she's the instigator, whispering and giggling and...never mind. Just...ugh.
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As The Metrobus Turns, Special Empire Theatres Edition

With Metrobus on strike (solidarity forever), updates have been sparse. Well on a rare trip to the cinema tonight to watch Survivor Series, I witnessed something so vile that I absolutely had to blog it.

So this dude ordered nachos and a hot dog. He had his nachos smothered in melted-down Tonka truck, I mean cheese sauce, but some people like that. He then proceeded to dump onions, sweetcorn relish and half a ton of cajun seasoning on them. Now those toppings are meant for hot dogs but whatever. He then turned to his hot dog. On go the onions. The bacone bits were next, and at this point he made sure to mix and distribute said toppings evenly across the beef/chicken/pork/veal/venison/horse/rat weoner. Ok whatever. Next came the sweetcorn relish, spooned on and smoothed out across the length of the dog, ensuring no part of mystery meat was left unrelished. With strokes to rival van Gogh he applied it...then sucked the spoon clean and replaced it in the container.

Wait, what?

Sure I had seen things, I watched closely as he started on the mustard. Spoon, spread, smooth...suck clean, replace. The ketchup and finally the mustard followed.

The saddest part? His girlfriend watched the whole thing.

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As The Metrobus Turns: Open Letter Edition

An open letter to the tall blonde lady at the bus stop this afternoon.

Dear Madam,

I see you over there with a coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I'm quite the coffee drinker myself, and though I do not smoke it is your right to inhale whatever noxious toxic addictive legal chemicals while in the open that you so desire. Far be it from me to criticise an unhealthy habit as I stand here in my obesity.

What I can and will criticise is your entirely selfish, nigh-infanticidal decision to perform these actions while pregnant, and visibly so. What you do to your body is quite your own decision, but you are carrying an innocent life inside you which cannot speak for itself. What gives you the right to poison your offspring? Is your addiction more important to you than your own child?

I wish you a healthy baby. Very healthy. In fact I hope your baby is 32" long and weighs in at 18 pounds. I hope he or she splits you from asshole to breakfast time. After which, I hope a nervous intern takes 4 hours to stitch you up. Finally, I hope your very healthy baby leaves you as tight as my pants would be on a supermodel.

You deserve it.
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As The Metrobus Turns, You Got Owned Edition

It doesn't take much to amuse me. Two people sitting in front of me were discussing BlackBerrys. Of course me ears perked up. It seems one of them has a Pearl and the other a Storm2. No, I have no idea why either. The dude with the Storm2 was adamant that his phone was a top-of-the-line BB, and I just smirked. He showed off all the touchscreeny goodness, then he saw I too had a touchscreen BlackBerry. I had it in landscape mode and I guess he couldn't see the trackpad, because he said "Look, buddy got one too. Best phone ever right?" I politely stated that I did not have a Storm2, I had a Torch. He argued with me (ME!) on that point...until I popped the keyboard and showed off the multitouch and OS6. His girlfriend laughed her ass off and he looked like a kid who just found out Santa wasn't real. I love being a geek.
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As The Metrobus Turns, Drama Edition

This one actually happened last week, but I've been too busy to write it up. Two teenaged fellows were sitting in the back of the bus, one of whom had female accompaniment. The fellow and his female had clearly been courting at some point in the recent past, but it seems he believed that she had been less than dedicated to him, as he kept referring to her as a less-than-intelligent lady of ill repute. His exact words were, I believe "You're a *expletive deleted* stupid *expletive deleted*." She took exception to this and vehemently protested her innocence, proclaiming "I never cheated on you since the last time!", punctuated with several blows to the arm. Not wishing to engage in fisticuffs with a member of the fairer sex, our hero distanced himself from his antagonist and suggested that perhaps her mental faculties were not all in order. "You're *expletive deleted* cracked you psycho *expletive deleted*" was the cry. At this point my fellow passengers were all watching in a mixture of shock, curiosity and revulsion as she threatened to get off the *expletive deleted* bus and walk home and he promised to follow her. The exchange would continue thus for about 5 minutes, culminating in five flanges in full physiog from her to him, followed by a rapid disembarkment.

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As The Metrobus Turns, Spectrum Edition

It's good to have ambitions in life. They give you something at which to aim, towards which you can work. Random Female on the bus this morning clearly has ambitions, which is a great thing. Normally they are a little less diverse than:

"I applied for two courses at school in January, law and cosmetician, but if I get supervisor at McDonald's first I'll just stay there."
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