As The Metrobus Turns: Open Letter Edition

An open letter to the tall blonde lady at the bus stop this afternoon.

Dear Madam,

I see you over there with a coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I'm quite the coffee drinker myself, and though I do not smoke it is your right to inhale whatever noxious toxic addictive legal chemicals while in the open that you so desire. Far be it from me to criticise an unhealthy habit as I stand here in my obesity.

What I can and will criticise is your entirely selfish, nigh-infanticidal decision to perform these actions while pregnant, and visibly so. What you do to your body is quite your own decision, but you are carrying an innocent life inside you which cannot speak for itself. What gives you the right to poison your offspring? Is your addiction more important to you than your own child?

I wish you a healthy baby. Very healthy. In fact I hope your baby is 32" long and weighs in at 18 pounds. I hope he or she splits you from asshole to breakfast time. After which, I hope a nervous intern takes 4 hours to stitch you up. Finally, I hope your very healthy baby leaves you as tight as my pants would be on a supermodel.

You deserve it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

As The Metrobus Turns, You Got Owned Edition

It doesn't take much to amuse me. Two people sitting in front of me were discussing BlackBerrys. Of course me ears perked up. It seems one of them has a Pearl and the other a Storm2. No, I have no idea why either. The dude with the Storm2 was adamant that his phone was a top-of-the-line BB, and I just smirked. He showed off all the touchscreeny goodness, then he saw I too had a touchscreen BlackBerry. I had it in landscape mode and I guess he couldn't see the trackpad, because he said "Look, buddy got one too. Best phone ever right?" I politely stated that I did not have a Storm2, I had a Torch. He argued with me (ME!) on that point...until I popped the keyboard and showed off the multitouch and OS6. His girlfriend laughed her ass off and he looked like a kid who just found out Santa wasn't real. I love being a geek.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

As The Metrobus Turns, Drama Edition

This one actually happened last week, but I've been too busy to write it up. Two teenaged fellows were sitting in the back of the bus, one of whom had female accompaniment. The fellow and his female had clearly been courting at some point in the recent past, but it seems he believed that she had been less than dedicated to him, as he kept referring to her as a less-than-intelligent lady of ill repute. His exact words were, I believe "You're a *expletive deleted* stupid *expletive deleted*." She took exception to this and vehemently protested her innocence, proclaiming "I never cheated on you since the last time!", punctuated with several blows to the arm. Not wishing to engage in fisticuffs with a member of the fairer sex, our hero distanced himself from his antagonist and suggested that perhaps her mental faculties were not all in order. "You're *expletive deleted* cracked you psycho *expletive deleted*" was the cry. At this point my fellow passengers were all watching in a mixture of shock, curiosity and revulsion as she threatened to get off the *expletive deleted* bus and walk home and he promised to follow her. The exchange would continue thus for about 5 minutes, culminating in five flanges in full physiog from her to him, followed by a rapid disembarkment.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network