As The Metrobus Turns, Special Empire Theatres Edition

With Metrobus on strike (solidarity forever), updates have been sparse. Well on a rare trip to the cinema tonight to watch Survivor Series, I witnessed something so vile that I absolutely had to blog it.

So this dude ordered nachos and a hot dog. He had his nachos smothered in melted-down Tonka truck, I mean cheese sauce, but some people like that. He then proceeded to dump onions, sweetcorn relish and half a ton of cajun seasoning on them. Now those toppings are meant for hot dogs but whatever. He then turned to his hot dog. On go the onions. The bacone bits were next, and at this point he made sure to mix and distribute said toppings evenly across the beef/chicken/pork/veal/venison/horse/rat weoner. Ok whatever. Next came the sweetcorn relish, spooned on and smoothed out across the length of the dog, ensuring no part of mystery meat was left unrelished. With strokes to rival van Gogh he applied it...then sucked the spoon clean and replaced it in the container.

Wait, what?

Sure I had seen things, I watched closely as he started on the mustard. Spoon, spread, smooth...suck clean, replace. The ketchup and finally the mustard followed.

The saddest part? His girlfriend watched the whole thing.

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As The Metrobus Turns: Open Letter Edition

An open letter to the tall blonde lady at the bus stop this afternoon.

Dear Madam,

I see you over there with a coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I'm quite the coffee drinker myself, and though I do not smoke it is your right to inhale whatever noxious toxic addictive legal chemicals while in the open that you so desire. Far be it from me to criticise an unhealthy habit as I stand here in my obesity.

What I can and will criticise is your entirely selfish, nigh-infanticidal decision to perform these actions while pregnant, and visibly so. What you do to your body is quite your own decision, but you are carrying an innocent life inside you which cannot speak for itself. What gives you the right to poison your offspring? Is your addiction more important to you than your own child?

I wish you a healthy baby. Very healthy. In fact I hope your baby is 32" long and weighs in at 18 pounds. I hope he or she splits you from asshole to breakfast time. After which, I hope a nervous intern takes 4 hours to stitch you up. Finally, I hope your very healthy baby leaves you as tight as my pants would be on a supermodel.

You deserve it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

As The Metrobus Turns, You Got Owned Edition

It doesn't take much to amuse me. Two people sitting in front of me were discussing BlackBerrys. Of course me ears perked up. It seems one of them has a Pearl and the other a Storm2. No, I have no idea why either. The dude with the Storm2 was adamant that his phone was a top-of-the-line BB, and I just smirked. He showed off all the touchscreeny goodness, then he saw I too had a touchscreen BlackBerry. I had it in landscape mode and I guess he couldn't see the trackpad, because he said "Look, buddy got one too. Best phone ever right?" I politely stated that I did not have a Storm2, I had a Torch. He argued with me (ME!) on that point...until I popped the keyboard and showed off the multitouch and OS6. His girlfriend laughed her ass off and he looked like a kid who just found out Santa wasn't real. I love being a geek.
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As The Metrobus Turns, Drama Edition

This one actually happened last week, but I've been too busy to write it up. Two teenaged fellows were sitting in the back of the bus, one of whom had female accompaniment. The fellow and his female had clearly been courting at some point in the recent past, but it seems he believed that she had been less than dedicated to him, as he kept referring to her as a less-than-intelligent lady of ill repute. His exact words were, I believe "You're a *expletive deleted* stupid *expletive deleted*." She took exception to this and vehemently protested her innocence, proclaiming "I never cheated on you since the last time!", punctuated with several blows to the arm. Not wishing to engage in fisticuffs with a member of the fairer sex, our hero distanced himself from his antagonist and suggested that perhaps her mental faculties were not all in order. "You're *expletive deleted* cracked you psycho *expletive deleted*" was the cry. At this point my fellow passengers were all watching in a mixture of shock, curiosity and revulsion as she threatened to get off the *expletive deleted* bus and walk home and he promised to follow her. The exchange would continue thus for about 5 minutes, culminating in five flanges in full physiog from her to him, followed by a rapid disembarkment.

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As The Metrobus Turns, Spectrum Edition

It's good to have ambitions in life. They give you something at which to aim, towards which you can work. Random Female on the bus this morning clearly has ambitions, which is a great thing. Normally they are a little less diverse than:

"I applied for two courses at school in January, law and cosmetician, but if I get supervisor at McDonald's first I'll just stay there."
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As The Metrobus Turns, Quality Parenting Edition

So I'm sitting here minding...well, everyone else's business, when a little girl no older than 3 or 4 says "Son of a bitch I hurt my damn leg!" No, really. The mother laughed and said "That's shocking for you!" Then she went back to texting.
 
Chris Lansdell
Games Editor
709.351.1958
AIM/MSN: ask41lansdell@live.com
Twitter: lansdellicious

As The Metrobus Turns, Overshare Edition

Person 1: What happened with that missus you was wid?
Person 2: She got another man, b'y. Done with her anyway.
Person 1: Oh right on. So you're living alone now.
Person 2: No b'y, got a man too.
Person 1: Wha?
Person 2: Yes b'y. Done with women now.

This made me smile with joy.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

As The Metrobus Turns, Rage Mode Edition

I am sitting next to two young men who, in an obvious attempt to avoid my legendary wrath, are playing their "gangsta rap" loudly through the speakers of their phones, thus bypassing those pesky headphones.

Indulge me for a moment, dear readers, as I attempt to describe the culprits in this most egregious of crimes. The first young man is about 6'5 and might weigh 120 pounds after a big meal. It seems he is studying to be a clown, judging by the gigantic shoes he is wearing. He is also wearing "shorts," despite it being a chilly 7 celsius and rainy. However, these shorts are voluminous to the extent that they would comfortably fit me and a pair of supermodels...at the same time. They also reach his shin, just above the ankle. It appears someone has taken issue with his musical misbehaviour, and in doing so smacked his baseball cap, the peak of which sits at a 30 degree angle to his nose. Under this hat, his hood is up. It may be raining, but not inside the bus. His cohort is similarly attired, though he appears to be on his way to a sporting event. I can think of no other reason to wear rip-away pants today.

For the past 15 minutes these two fine, upstanding members of society have taken it in turns, blasting their profanity-laced rhythmic poetry in a bus with no less than 4 people under 10. At some point, someone somewhere suggested to them that this was appropriate behaviour. That, more than anything, scares me.

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As The Metrobus Turns: Really? Edition

You know, loyal readers, nothing that happens on Metrobus should surprise me by now. Amidst the soon-to-be-pulverised douches who can't turn the volume down on their MP3 players (see my Twitter feed, @lansdellicious, for more on that) comes the occasional gem of human idiocy like the girl sitting 2 rows behind me right now, loudly discussing transactions of an illicit nature on her cellphone.

"She ask me how many I had right and I told her I could sell her like 50 and she was like how much so I told her like 200 so she gimme 100 then and 100 she said she's gonna gimme today. No b'y she's bes' kind, she's straight up I knows that. Well that's my last 50 and I only got 3 ounces left too so we needs to hook up. Love you too."

Never an undercover narc around when you need one...

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As The Metrobus Turns: Zoology Fail Edition

I despair for the school system. I really do. While recounting a tale of an encounter with 2 baby moose while driving on the highway, this paragon of intelligence pointed out that "You could know they was [sic] babies because they didn't have no [sic] stingers grown in on their heads yet. "

I for one was unaware that the moose was related to the scorpion, bee, wasp or even the duck-billed platypus.

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As The Metrobus Turns: Mall Edition

Anyone who knows me will agree that I'm a pretty random guy. And by pretty random I mean completely off my rocker. With that in mind, something that stops me dead in my tracks because of how randomly random it is is going to be pretty, well, random.

So you know those kiddie rides? The ones where you feed a toonie into the machine and your child gets the thrilling 90 seconds of slow repetitive movement that every minor loves. Sure you do. Normally they are based on a popular thing, like fire trucks or spaceships or Hannah Montana or whatever the deuce kids like these days. They will also play music that matches the ride...normally.

I say normally because today I saw one that blew my mind. A Hannah Montana thing that went up and down would generally play a song from the show, right? Well the last I heard, Ray Parker Jr was not in Hannah Montana. Yes, the ride plays Ghostbusters. Loudly. The poor 5-year-old girl was terrified and screaming that ghosts were going to get her. Me? I sang along.

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As The Metrobus Turns, Gross Edition

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: As The Metrobus Turns, Gross Edition
Sent: Feb 1, 2010 17:35

Today's story starts fairly normally: a random passenger drops his still-lit cigarette on the ground and half-grinds it out, but it is still lit. Said passenger proceeds to board the bus. So far, so normal.

Second passenger picks up said cigarette from the slushy, dirty, salted sidewalk and finishes it off.

You stay classy, my dear.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

As The Metrobus Turns, Gross Edition

Today's story starts fairly normally: a random passenger drops his still-lit cigarette on the ground and half-grinds it out, but it is still lit. Said passenger proceeds to board the bus. So far, so normal.

Second passenger picks up said cigarette from the slushy, dirty, salted sidewalk and finishes it off.

You stay classy, my dear.
 
Chris Lansdell
Games Editor
709.351.1958
AIM/MSN: ask41lansdell@live.com
Twitter: lansdellicious

As The Metrobus Turns, Keep My Temper Edition

Says the woman in front of me to her male companion:

"The missus in the bar's the getting in my face and telling me if I turn the key in the ignition of my fucking car she's calling the cops. 'You had more than one beer tonight,' she said. I told her it was none of her fucking business but I was in the bag. I don't fucking care it's my car I'm not afraid of none of them. She said it's her job. She don't wanna see my job if she tried to stop me turning the ignition in my car."

Seriously? Well since you're on the bus, either she didn't stop you and the cops caught you and you got your license suspended, or you crashed into something. Either way, kindly remove yourself from the gene pool.
 
Chris Lansdell
Games Editor
709.351.1958
AIM/MSN: ask41lansdell@live.com
Twitter: lansdellicious

As The Metrobus Turns, fashion rant edition

Heaven knows I'm the last guy who should be talking about appearances and fashion, but in my case I do it on purpose. On this bus right now there are 13 people and me.

One girl has hair so platinum blonde that it is dazzling. She also has a face that looks like she pounded it off an anvil for 5 hours. Oh God. She just said "If you seek Amy...I don't get it. Why do all the boys and all the girls want that? It's not even good English!" She has tattoos so I presume she's over 18.

One woman is wearing a heavy oilskin coat, done all the way up with the hood up, rubber boots, gloves, sunglasses...and a knee-length skirt that looks to be made of cotton.

Does Bubbles have a twin? He just got off.

Two teenaged boys are in the back with caps perched precariously at the edge of their raised, brightly coloured hoods at an acute angle. Said hats still have their holographic sticker confirming their authenticity and proclaiming the wearer to be a fan of a team of which I warrant he has never heard. They are wearing 3 gold-coloured chains ewach around their necks of varying lengths, but thick enough to secure themselves to a California redwood should the need and/or opportunity arise. Despite being of an average build and weight, they wear jeans sufficiently large to cover even my corpulent behind with ample room for a companion. As a rather unfortunate side-effect, the poor boys are unable to defeat gravity and keep the obvious hand-me-downs (for why else would they be ripped and many sizes too large?) at their waist. This has caused a large portion of their underwear to be clearly visible. Obviously this has been the source of much shame and upset for them, as they both have bloodshot eyes. Perhaps in an effort to drown out the mocking catcalls of their peers, they are playing something that could loosely described as music at a high volume.

And people make fun of me for having purple and green stripes in my hair.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Two in an evening! Overheard at Dominion

"We should be in the 10 items line. We only got 12 items."

They proceeded to pick up 3 more while in the queue.
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As The Metrobus Turns!

Oh this is a good one.

Moron 1: What a hypocrite b'y! Talkin' shit bout me behind my back, calling me a gossip and sayin' she would never do that.
Moron 2: I know right! And she's the one whoring around with buddy.
Moron 1: not just him either. I heard she's back with her baby daddy.

Oh sweet sweet irony...

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